Jokes

[Dimmu Burger]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
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My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the hell she is!
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Husband always insisted on making love in the dark.
After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator.
She goes balistic, "You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?"
Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."
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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
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A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said, "That's not good." and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" and the bird said, "You know."
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[Atomisaattori]

What happened when the nigger looked up his family tree?

- A gorilla shit in his face

[Señorita iCola]

Oh fuck, that bloody son of a bitch 

[Ressukka]

Poetic:


The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were alone
Just she and I

Her hair was brown
Her eyes were too
I knew just what
She wanted to do

So with my courage
I did my best
And placed my hand
Upon her breast

I trembled and shook
And felt her heart
Slowly she spread
Her legs apart

I knew she was ready
But I didn't know how
It was my first try
At milking a cow

[Masa]

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be
gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married
ten times..?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how
great it was going to be.

"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it
was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back
with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked
out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but he
wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of
the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he
wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never
sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God, I
miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful," said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"...

This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED."

[Josse]

 

[Josse]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.
He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"

[Ressukka]

Man and woman went to picnic, after a while woman said" Kiss me"
Man poured some Beaujolais on her lips saying" Im Pierre, the brave French pilot, when i have red meat i have read wine"

Things heat up and woman opens her blouse saying" kiss my breasts"

Man poured some Chardonnay on her breasts saying"im Pierre, the brave French pilot, when i have white meat i have white wine"

Things heated up even more and woman took her skirt away saying" Go lower, go lower"

Man poured some cognac between her legs and set it on fire with a match.
Woman screamed and ran into river shouting" why did you do that?"

Man answered "im Pierre, the brave French pilot and if i go down, i go down IN FLAMES!!

[Atomisaattori]

 

[Dimmu Burger]

When did the first Soviet elections take place?

When God put Eve before Adam and said: 'Choose yourself a wife!'