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Started by Nuuka, Thu 11.01.2007 11:05:29 (UTC+0200)

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nyyyps

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too.
Allekirjoitukset näkyvät jokaisen viestin tai yksityisviestin alla. Voit käyttää BBCodea ja hymiöitä allekirjoituksessasi.

Kossu69

This is kinda old and it's not really a joke, but...

A CNN reporter, while interviewing a Marine sniper asked:
"What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?"

The marine shrugged and replied:
"Recoil.

Baz

A Mexican maid asked her blonde boss for a pay increase.

Her blonde boss was annoyed at this and asked, 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase... The first is that I iron better than you.'

Blonde Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Blonde Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Blonde Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Blonde Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'

Blonde Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'

Blonde Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
- Huomenta, kaunis ilma tänään.
- Antaa olla vaan! Kyllä se siitä pilvistyy!

Atomisaattori


"Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment." - Jim Horning
Älä koskaan väittele idiootin kanssa. Hän vetää sinut omalle tasolleen ja voittaa sinut kokemuksellaan.
"Trying is the first step toward failure." - Homer Simpson

Atomisaattori

A young BLONDE was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation.

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine Alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, 'Well then, maybe I'll just go
out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge nine foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning reflexe s, the blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were seven more dead gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,

'SHIT! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!'

"Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment." - Jim Horning
Älä koskaan väittele idiootin kanssa. Hän vetää sinut omalle tasolleen ja voittaa sinut kokemuksellaan.
"Trying is the first step toward failure." - Homer Simpson


nyyyps

    State of Arkansas Residency Application
Quote
Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob
           (last)       (_) Billy-Joe
                        (_) Billy-Ray
                        (_) Billy-Sue
                        (_) Billy-Mae
                        (_) Billy-Jack
                        (Check appropriate box)

Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______

Father's Name: _______(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade
                    completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: ______ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:



Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know
Allekirjoitukset näkyvät jokaisen viestin tai yksityisviestin alla. Voit käyttää BBCodea ja hymiöitä allekirjoituksessasi.

nyyyps

 ALASKAN CRUISE DIARY

DEAR DIARY .... DAY ONE
I am done with my suitcases and am ready to board the cruise ship. I've
packed all my shoes and pretty dresses. I'm really excited to go to Alaska.

DEAR DIARY .... DAY TWO
The ship spent the whole day today at sea. It was interesting and we saw
some big blue whales. What a wonderful journey this has started to be.
I had a chance to chat with the Captain today and he seems like a very
good man.

DEAR DIARY .... DAY THREE
Today I saw some Alaskan glaciers. They are so big! I also spent some time
in the pool today. After that the Captain asked me to join him at his table
and enjoy the dinner together. I felt honored and we had a great time.
He is a very handsome and interesting gentleman.

DEAR DIARY .... DAY FOUR
Went to the casino on ship's 4-th floor ... did fine ... won about $40. The
Captain asked me to join him for a dinner in his state room. We had an
excellent meal complete with expensive Italian wine and exotic fruits. He
asked me to stay for the night but I refused.

DEAR DIARY .... DAY FIVE
Today I went back to the pool after which I went to the piano bar. The
Captain was also there. He saw me and and bought a nice expensive drink
for me. He really is a generous man. He again asked me to go to his state
room to spend the night and again I declined him. He told me that if I
wouldn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was
appalled.

DEAR DIARY .... DAY SIX
I saved 2200 people today .... twice !!!!
Allekirjoitukset näkyvät jokaisen viestin tai yksityisviestin alla. Voit käyttää BBCodea ja hymiöitä allekirjoituksessasi.

nyyyps

Allekirjoitukset näkyvät jokaisen viestin tai yksityisviestin alla. Voit käyttää BBCodea ja hymiöitä allekirjoituksessasi.

Lexa

#38
There was a Chilean, an Argentine and a Peruvian who went to a forest to hunt, but they got caught by a few cannibals.
The cannibals told them that if they wanted to live, they had to find 10 fruits of the same type.

First the Peruvian came with 10 apples and the cannibals told him that he had to stuff them in the ass without making any noise.
When he was in apple number 3, he started to cry in pain.

Then came the Chilean with 10 cherries and when he was in the 9th cherry he began to laugh.

The Peruvian asked him: How you could be so stupid as to stop the sacrifice on the 9th cherry, and why are you laughing?

And the Chilean responds: I just remembered the Argentine who was picking pineapples. :lach:
"Lexa on koko Apache foorumin nettipoliisien PÄÄLLIKKÖ!" -Arto Lauri

The future unknown, but is there ever time to find out...?

Like what I do? Buy me a beer!

Tule mukaan Apachefoorumin Discord-kanavalle!

peter

Quote from: LexA on Sun 15.03.2009 23:04:43 (UTC+0200)
There was a Chilean, an Argentine and a Peruvian who went to a forest to hunt, but they was caught for a few cannibals.
The cannibals told him that if he wanted to save had to find 10 fruits of the same type.
Came first the Peruvian with 10 apples and cannibals told him that he had to enter them by the ass without making any noise.
When he was in the apple 3, he cry of pain.
Then came the Chilean with 10 cherries and when he was in the 9 cherry he began to laugh.
And the Peruvian asking: How you could be so stupid as to stop the sacrifice on the 9 apple, and why you laugh?
And the Chilean responds: I was remember the Argentine who was picking pineapples.

Good joke. But should it be 9 cherries instead of 9 apples?  :psp:

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