Jokes

[Lexa]

On a bus, two men with really strong accent start
a conversition. The lady next to them eavesdrops.

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two esses acoma
together. I come once-a-more. Two esses, they comma
together again. I come again and pee twice. Then
I come one lasta time."

"You dirty-mouth pigs! In this country we don't
talk about our dirty sex lives in public!"
the lady exclaims.

"Hey, whats sa-matter for you?" says the man "I'm
justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi"


mistä toi näitä juttuja repii

Mistä sä tän löysit / sait?

[=Lutris=]

^ Tuo olli vallan intellegtuellinen vitsi. Piti lukea pariin kertaan 

[Josse]

You know you've been drinking too much when:


Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

You fall off the floor.

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case-coincidence?? You think not!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed ... hmmm?

Roseanne looks good.

That damned pink elephant followed you home again.

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

You think the four basic food groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and the opposite sex.

Don't recognize your wife unless seen through the bottom of a glass.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming, "TORO TORO TORO!", in the middle of the night.

Two hands and just one mouth...now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping – with your Oldsmobile.

Friends armed with fire extinguishers stood at a safe distance as you
blew out your birthday candles.

Thanks to you, Jack Daniel's stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.

Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Vodka.

For some reason, there's salt on the rim of you basketball goal.

Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's
pancakes.

For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the car.

You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.

Absolute wants to run an add featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.

Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"

The doorman asks for you I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.

Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.

Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.

You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

You are lying in bed and it feels like you're on a merry-go-round.

You sound like you're speaking a different language and get irritated when others don't understand you.

You walk up to a real big dude and ask, "Is it true big guys have real small peckers?"

You fart and then feel a lump in your back pocket.

[Dimmu Burger]

On a bus, two men with really strong accent start
a conversition. The lady next to them eavesdrops.

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two esses acoma
together. I come once-a-more. Two esses, they comma
together again. I come again and pee twice. Then
I come one lasta time."

"You dirty-mouth pigs! In this country we don't
talk about our dirty sex lives in public!"
the lady exclaims.

"Hey, whats sa-matter for you?" says the man "I'm
justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi"


mistä toi näitä juttuja repii

Where did you find/get this?

A friend sent it 

[The Änes]

 

[Masa]

A Mexican, an Arab and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his
glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In Mexico , we can make our glasses so cheaply that we don't need
to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks
his beer, throws the glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots
the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to
make glass that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up
her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out
her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on
the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

'In America we have so many illegal aliens
that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

[Masa]

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She called Four Horse".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered,

"It old Indian Name. It mean,

NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

[Masa]

On his 70th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate
paid for a visit to a medicine man living on the Puma Indian reservation who was
rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the
medicine man and nervously awaited what would happen next.

The old man slowly and methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with
a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be
respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you
will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as
long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the
action of the medicine?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded.
"But when she does, the medicine will not work again
until the next full moon."

The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
fluffed up the three remaining hairs on his head, put on lots of cologne, took a
spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, the man took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, the glory of his manhood expanded to fulfill both of their longings.
His wife was so excited that she began ripping off her clothes. When almost fully
disrobed, she asked, "Honey, what was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition! Otherwise you will end up with a dangling participle.

[Masa]

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy
women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement..
When you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in
the bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass
all the way to Egypt ."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus
year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly
wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all
those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with
short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus
year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

[Dimmu Burger]

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating her.
She goes out and buys a gun. She goes his apartment
unexpectedly and sure enought, she opens the door and
finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde in angry. She opens her purse to take
out the gun, but as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and points it to her own head.

The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it!"

The blonde replies "Shut up, you're next."