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Jokes

Started by Nuuka, Thu 11.01.2007 11:05:29

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Nuuka

Post here jokes in english. :jepso:



Murphy's Laws Of Combat

if the enemy is in range, so are you

Incoming fire has the right of way

Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire

There is always a way

That way is always mined

Try to look uminportant; they might be low on ammo

What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank

Teamwork is essential; it gives them someone else to shoot at

If orders can be misunderstood they will be

The tank is a monument to the inaccuracy of indirect fire

Odd objects attract fire. You are odd

Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud

Mine fields are not neutral

If they're shooting at you, it's a high intensity conflict

The weight of your equipment is proportional to the cube of the time you have been carrying it

The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack

If your attack is going well, it's an ambush

Never draw fire, it irritates those around you

When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy

Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder

Friendly fire isn't

Never stand when you can sit

Never sit when you can lie down

Never stay awake when you can sleep

A grenade with a 7 second fuse will always burn in 4 seconds

The enemy never watches until you make a mistake

Whenever you are low on ammo, you can never hit anything

The more a weapon costs, the further you will have to send it to be repaired

Interchangeable parts are not

The item you need is always in short supply

The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of it's operator

No combat ready group ever passes inspection

No inspection ready group ever survives combat

Peace is our profession, mass murder is just a hobby

All battles are fought at the junction of two or more maps

Things that must be together to work can never be shipped together

If you need an officer in a hurry take a nap

Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both

Tracers work both ways

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire

The effective killing radius is greater than the average soldier can throw it

Military intelligence is a contradiction of terms
Meinasin laittaa itselleni sigun, mutta sitten en keksinyt siihen mitään hauskaa niin en laittanutkaan. :jepso:

Nuuka

POST HERE JOKES IN ENGLISH! :aatu:

Chicken And the Egg

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out.
The egg mutters to no one in particular,
"I guess we answered that question."

Private Eye 

My wife and I were watching some TV show the other nite where the wife hired a private detective to follow her husband and see if he were in fact "cheating" on her. I asked my wife if she would ever do that.
She said, "Well not so much to find out who the other woman was, but to see if I could find out what she saw in ya."
Meinasin laittaa itselleni sigun, mutta sitten en keksinyt siihen mitään hauskaa niin en laittanutkaan. :jepso:

IsoPahaJolppi

A kind of jokes too
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
Minä tiedän kaiken, ja jos en jotain tietäisi niin se olisi tarpeetonta triviaa.
Esimerkki väitteeseen: Ford on järjettömän hieno Auto
Tästä kun lähdetään, niin vedetään sellaiset jatkot firman piikkiin ettei omalla kustannuksella tarvii muuta kun oksentaa -Rak.mest. paaluttajaspesialisti Timo Harjakainen

Lexa

"Lexa on koko Apache foorumin nettipoliisien PÄÄLLIKKÖ!" -Arto Lauri

The future unknown, but is there ever time to find out...?

Like what I do? Buy me a beer!

Tule mukaan Apachefoorumin Discord-kanavalle!

Noutaja

"Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law" :lach:
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.


nyyyps

Quote from: noutaja on Thu 13.09.2007 08:37:46
"Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law" :lach:
I like that one, too. Thx, Jolppi, these were great!
Ei.

IsoPahaJolppi

anything goes...
SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE (This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!)

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school Telephone answering machine This is the actual answering machine message for the school.

This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents
who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in
your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone -Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
Minä tiedän kaiken, ja jos en jotain tietäisi niin se olisi tarpeetonta triviaa.
Esimerkki väitteeseen: Ford on järjettömän hieno Auto
Tästä kun lähdetään, niin vedetään sellaiset jatkot firman piikkiin ettei omalla kustannuksella tarvii muuta kun oksentaa -Rak.mest. paaluttajaspesialisti Timo Harjakainen

Jupio

9 Words Women Use

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot  and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, refer to #3.

Lexa

"Lexa on koko Apache foorumin nettipoliisien PÄÄLLIKKÖ!" -Arto Lauri

The future unknown, but is there ever time to find out...?

Like what I do? Buy me a beer!

Tule mukaan Apachefoorumin Discord-kanavalle!

Paskis

What does a vegetarian cannibal eat?
-Swedes

::osmoke
Ei tää oo nyt niin vakavaa, tää on vaan jääkiekkoo.

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