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Jokes

Started by Nuuka, Thu 11.01.2007 11:05:29 (UTC+0200)

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Jupio

Something To Offend Damn-Near Everyone

What's the Cuban national anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.

How do you know you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.


What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A cock that stays up all night.

Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day.
What do single guys have? Palm Sunday

Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.

Are birth control pills deductible?
Only if they don't work.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people have a chance to have sex too.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What three two-letter words denote "small"?
"Is it in?"

What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
The hooker will stop screwing you when you're dead

While she was gone, the hooker left a sign on the door:
"Out to Lunch. Go Fuck Yourself."

If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
Divorce proceedings, most likely.

What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
"Oh look! Doughnut seeds!"

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.

What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mon., Wed., and Friday?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say fuck?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO"!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...


I did found some of them funny :psycho:

Jupio

Doctor Jim had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.  No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Jim, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical
practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him backto reality.  Whispering:
"Jim....Jim....Jim....you're a vet"

nyyyps

How to recognize a true blonde:
- She sends a fax with a stamp on it.
- She thinks a quarterback is a refund.
- She trips over a cordless phone.
- At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign here", she puts "Sagittarius".
- When she hears that 90 % of all crimes are committed around the home, she moves.
- It takes her months to figure out she can use her AM radio at night.
- She stares at the frozen orange juice because it says "Concentrate".
- She thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.
- She tells me to meet her at the corner of Walk & Don't walk.
- When she is on the highway going to the airport and sees a sign that says "Airport left", she turns around and goes home.
- She studies for a blood test and fails.
- It takes her tweo hours to watch 60 Minutes.
- She looks into a box of Cheerio's and says, "Oh, look! Donut seeds!"
- What's the definition of "Eternity"? 4 blondes at a 4-way stop.
- Why do blondes have TGIF on their fronts? "This Goes In Front".
Allekirjoitukset näkyvät jokaisen viestin tai yksityisviestin alla. Voit käyttää BBCodea ja hymiöitä allekirjoituksessasi.

Kastori

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading "WHERE AM I?" and hold it up for the building's occupants to see.

People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."

IsoPahaJolppi

Subject: Secretly recorded in oval office

George B.: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condoleeza R.: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George B.: Great. Lay it on me.
Condoleeza R.: Hu is the new leader of China.
George B.: That's what I want to know.
Condoleeza R.: That's what I'm telling you.
George B.: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condoleeza R.: Yes.
George B.: I mean the fellow's name.
Condoleeza R.: Hu.
George B.: The guy in China.
Condoleeza R.: Hu.
George B.: The new leader of China.
Condoleeza R.: Hu.
George B.: The Chinaman!
Condoleeza R.: Hu is leading China.
George B.: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condoleeza R.: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George B.: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condoleeza R.: That's the man's name.
George B.: That's who's name?
Condoleeza R.: Yes.
George B.: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
China?
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the
Middle East.
Condoleeza R.: That's correct.
George B.: Then who is in China?
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Yassir is in China?
Condoleeza R.: No, sir.
George B.: Then who is?
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Yassir?
Condoleeza R.: No, sir.
George B.: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condoleeza R.: Kofi?
George B.: No, thanks.
Condoleeza R.: You want Kofi?
George B.: No.
Condoleeza R.: You don't want Kofi.
George B.: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condoleeza R.: Kofi?
George B.: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condoleeza R.: And call who?
George B.: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condoleeza R.: Hu is the guy in China.
George B.: Will you stay out of China?!
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
U.N.
Condoleeza R.: Kofi.
George B.: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the
phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condoleeza R.: Rice, here.
George B.: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too.
Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East.
Minä tiedän kaiken, ja jos en jotain tietäisi niin se olisi tarpeetonta triviaa.
Esimerkki väitteeseen: Ford on järjettömän hieno Auto
Tästä kun lähdetään, niin vedetään sellaiset jatkot firman piikkiin ettei omalla kustannuksella tarvii muuta kun oksentaa -Rak.mest. paaluttajaspesialisti Timo Harjakainen


Sworn

#15
IsoPahaJolppi,  :rofl: 


A woman gives birth to a baby. Afterwards, the doctor comes in, and says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and asks, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong?"

The doctor replies, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman looks a little puzzled, "A hermaphrodite... what's that?"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has both the... er... features... of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She exclaims, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis and a brain?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the U.S., a guy in his car is stuck in a traffic jam. Suddenly, someone comes to his car and knocks on the window.

The driver: "What's happening?"

"Well, some terrorists took G.W. Bush as a hostage, and ask for a 1 million dollar ransom or they will put some gasoline on him and set him on fire."

"Oh God!"

"So, we go from car to car to collect what people can give."

"And how much do people give in the average?"

"About 5 gallons..."
Hell, there are no rules here - we're trying to accomplish something.

Jarre

Carpe Natem

Sworn

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

The girl watches him and says, "You must be a dentist!"

The guy, surprised, asks, "Yes... how did you figure that out?"

The girl says, "Easy; you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a great dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego, says, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that one out?"

The girl says, "Easy; I didn't feel a thing!"

  :psycho:
Hell, there are no rules here - we're trying to accomplish something.

Grunchlk

"Do you know why is it so awesome to have sex with twenty three year old girls?"
"I have no idea."
"Well, there's twenty of them."

:nono:

Lexa

"Lexa on koko Apache foorumin nettipoliisien PÄÄLLIKKÖ!" -Arto Lauri

The future unknown, but is there ever time to find out...?

Like what I do? Buy me a beer!

Tule mukaan Apachefoorumin Discord-kanavalle!

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