When three people are having sex, it's called threesome.
When two people are having sex, it's called twosome.
Now you know, why they call you handsome...

English pig: "Oink"
French pig: "Oinque"
American pig: "STOP RESISTING!"

What did Star Wars' Yoda say, when he saw his movie in high definition? HDMI.

Fun fact: 1 in 6 people find Russian roulette mind blowing

What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

Blondie texted husband on a cloudy winterday
- cant open window, need help.

Husband replies
- use some warm water and tap gently with hammer
5 min later comes message
- computer looks really bad now

Yes 

 

If a cat and a sheep would be cross-breeded, should the result be called a shat or a shitten?

A panda walked into a bar and went up to the barman and said: "I want a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please." The barman took his order and the Panda went to sit down at a table. Soon, a waiter took over the meal, the Panda gobbled it up, thanked, tipped the waiter and paid his bill.

All seemed normal until the Panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter dead.

The barman rushed over and said: "Argh!! You just shot my friend!!!" The Panda calmly replied: "Do you know what I am?" "Of Course I do," the barman answered, "you're a Panda!" "Good," the Panda replied, "now go home and look me up in the dictionary." And with that, the Panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, but he was very eager to be enlightened on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary and after a while he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition...

PANDA: 1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in its mouth.
Frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. Its eyes rolled back, and it went limp.
I released the snake into the lake without incident and carried on fishing, using the frog.
Not long after, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that dang snake... with two more frogs.