Jokes

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0 jäsentä ja 1 Vieras katselee tätä aihetta.

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« Vastaus #25 : Su 21.12.2008 18:36:36 »
WOMEN’S ENGLISH

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I am sorry = You'll be sorry
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don’t want you to
Do what you want = You will pay for this later
I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you’re dead
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like


MEN’S ENGLISH

I am hungry = I am hungry
I am sleepy = I am sleepy
I am tired = I am tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now
I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 mins.
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
Ei.

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« Vastaus #26 : Ke 24.12.2008 12:05:40 »
 :lach: "I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay"
Hell, there are no rules here - we're trying to accomplish something.

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« Vastaus #27 : To 29.01.2009 07:23:52 »
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.
Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
Ei.

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« Vastaus #28 : To 29.01.2009 11:08:48 »
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The
teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and
I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what
the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he
failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take
the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: " What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd
grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and
contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry
replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog
does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat
and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the
fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......  ::hihsmoke
Kaikki muu on paskaa, paitsi kusi !


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« Vastaus #29 : To 29.01.2009 11:11:03 »
 :lach:
"Lexa on koko Apache foorumin nettipoliisien PÄÄLLIKKÖ!" -Arto Lauri

Bloody Mary, Full of Vodka. Blessed Are You Among Cocktails.
Pray For Me Now, At The Hour of My Death - Which I Hope Is Soon.
Amen.

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« Vastaus #30 : Ti 03.02.2009 04:11:39 »
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too.
Ei.

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« Vastaus #31 : Ti 03.02.2009 16:29:29 »
This is kinda old and it's not really a joke, but...

A CNN reporter, while interviewing a Marine sniper asked:
"What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?"

The marine shrugged and replied:
"Recoil.

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« Vastaus #32 : Ke 04.02.2009 14:26:04 »
A Mexican maid asked her blonde boss for a pay increase.

Her blonde boss was annoyed at this and asked, 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase... The first is that I iron better than you.'

Blonde Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Blonde Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Blonde Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Blonde Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'

Blonde Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'

Blonde Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
- Huomenta, kaunis ilma tänään.
- Antaa olla vaan! Kyllä se siitä pilvistyy!

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« Vastaus #33 : Ma 09.02.2009 19:48:32 »
:psp:


"Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment." - Jim Horning
Älä koskaan väittele idiootin kanssa. Hän vetää sinut omalle tasolleen ja voittaa sinut kokemuksellaan.
"Trying is the first step toward failure." - Homer Simpson

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« Vastaus #34 : Su 22.02.2009 17:25:09 »
A young BLONDE was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation.

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine Alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, 'Well then, maybe I'll just go
out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge nine foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning reflexe s, the blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were seven more dead gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,

'SHIT! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!'
"Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment." - Jim Horning
Älä koskaan väittele idiootin kanssa. Hän vetää sinut omalle tasolleen ja voittaa sinut kokemuksellaan.
"Trying is the first step toward failure." - Homer Simpson

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« Vastaus #35 : Ti 24.02.2009 14:36:38 »
    State of Arkansas Residency Application
Lainaus
Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob
           (last)       (_) Billy-Joe
                        (_) Billy-Ray
                        (_) Billy-Sue
                        (_) Billy-Mae
                        (_) Billy-Jack
                        (Check appropriate box)

 Age: ____
 Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
 Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right

 Occupation:
 (_) Farmer
 (_) Mechanic
 (_) Hair Dresser
 (_) Un-employed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

 Relationship with spouse:
 (_) Sister
 (_) Brother
 (_) Aunt
 (_) Uncle
 (_) Cousin
 (_) Mother
 (_) Father
 (_) Son
 (_) Daughter
 (_) Pet

 Number of children living in household: ___
 Number that are yours: ___

 Mother's Name: _______

 Father's Name: _______(If not sure, leave blank)

 Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade
                    completed)

 Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?

 ___ Total number of vehicles you own
 ___ Number of vehicles that still crank
 ___ Number of vehicles in front yard
 ___ Number of vehicles in back yard
 ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

 Firearms you own and where you keep them:
 ____ truck
 ____ bedroom
 ____ bathroom
 ____ kitchen
 ____ shed

 Model and year of your pickup: ______ 194_

 Do you have a gun rack?
 (_) Yes (_) No; please explain:



 Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
 (_) The National Enquirer
 (_) The Globe
 (_) TV Guide
 (_) Soap Opera Digest
 (_) Rifle and Shotgun

 ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
 ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
 ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

 How often do you bathe:
 (_)Weekly
 (_)Monthly
 (_)Not Applicable

 Color of teeth:
 (_)Yellow
 (_)Brownish-Yellow
 (_)Brown
 (_)Black
 (_)N/A

 Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
 (_)Red-Man

 How far is your home from a paved road?
 (_)1 mile
 (_)2 miles
 (_)don't know
Ei.

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« Vastaus #36 : Ti 24.02.2009 15:59:37 »
 ALASKAN CRUISE DIARY

DEAR DIARY .... DAY ONE
I am done with my suitcases and am ready to board the cruise ship. I've
packed all my shoes and pretty dresses. I'm really excited to go to Alaska.

DEAR DIARY .... DAY TWO
The ship spent the whole day today at sea. It was interesting and we saw
some big blue whales. What a wonderful journey this has started to be.
I had a chance to chat with the Captain today and he seems like a very
good man.

DEAR DIARY .... DAY THREE
Today I saw some Alaskan glaciers. They are so big! I also spent some time
in the pool today. After that the Captain asked me to join him at his table
and enjoy the dinner together. I felt honored and we had a great time.
He is a very handsome and interesting gentleman.

DEAR DIARY .... DAY FOUR
Went to the casino on ship's 4-th floor ... did fine ... won about $40. The
Captain asked me to join him for a dinner in his state room. We had an
excellent meal complete with expensive Italian wine and exotic fruits. He
asked me to stay for the night but I refused.

DEAR DIARY .... DAY FIVE
Today I went back to the pool after which I went to the piano bar. The
Captain was also there. He saw me and and bought a nice expensive drink
for me. He really is a generous man. He again asked me to go to his state
room to spend the night and again I declined him. He told me that if I
wouldn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was
appalled.

DEAR DIARY .... DAY SIX
I saved 2200 people today .... twice !!!!
Ei.

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« Vastaus #37 : Ke 11.03.2009 11:50:26 »
Ei.

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« Vastaus #38 : Su 15.03.2009 23:04:43 »
There was a Chilean, an Argentine and a Peruvian who went to a forest to hunt, but they got caught by a few cannibals.
The cannibals told them that if they wanted to live, they had to find 10 fruits of the same type.

First the Peruvian came with 10 apples and the cannibals told him that he had to stuff them in the ass without making any noise.
When he was in apple number 3, he started to cry in pain.

Then came the Chilean with 10 cherries and when he was in the 9th cherry he began to laugh.

The Peruvian asked him: How you could be so stupid as to stop the sacrifice on the 9th cherry, and why are you laughing?

And the Chilean responds: I just remembered the Argentine who was picking pineapples. :lach:
« Viimeksi muokattu: Su 15.03.2009 23:33:50 kirjoittanut LexA »
"Lexa on koko Apache foorumin nettipoliisien PÄÄLLIKKÖ!" -Arto Lauri

Bloody Mary, Full of Vodka. Blessed Are You Among Cocktails.
Pray For Me Now, At The Hour of My Death - Which I Hope Is Soon.
Amen.

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« Vastaus #39 : Su 15.03.2009 23:29:58 »
There was a Chilean, an Argentine and a Peruvian who went to a forest to hunt, but they was caught for a few cannibals.
The cannibals told him that if he wanted to save had to find 10 fruits of the same type.
Came first the Peruvian with 10 apples and cannibals told him that he had to enter them by the ass without making any noise.
When he was in the apple 3, he cry of pain.
Then came the Chilean with 10 cherries and when he was in the 9 cherry he began to laugh.
And the Peruvian asking: How you could be so stupid as to stop the sacrifice on the 9 apple, and why you laugh?
And the Chilean responds: I was remember the Argentine who was picking pineapples.

Good joke. But should it be 9 cherries instead of 9 apples?  :psp:

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« Vastaus #40 : Su 15.03.2009 23:30:35 »
Bad bad copy pasta :kerpele:
"Lexa on koko Apache foorumin nettipoliisien PÄÄLLIKKÖ!" -Arto Lauri

Bloody Mary, Full of Vodka. Blessed Are You Among Cocktails.
Pray For Me Now, At The Hour of My Death - Which I Hope Is Soon.
Amen.

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« Vastaus #41 : Su 15.03.2009 23:33:02 »
There was a Chilean, an Argentine and a Peruvian who went to a forest to hunt, but they got caught by a few cannibals.
The cannibals told them that if they wanted to live, they had to find 10 fruits of the same type.

First the Peruvian came with 10 apples and the cannibals told him that he had to stuff them in the ass without making any noise.
When he was in apple number 3, he started to cry in pain.

Then came the Chilean with 10 cherries and when he was in the 9th cherry he began to laugh.

The Peruvian asked him: How you could be so stupid as to stop the sacrifice on the 9th cherry, and why are you laughing?

And the Chilean responds: I just remembered the Argentine who was picking pineapples. :lach:
Better now. :jees:
"Lexa on koko Apache foorumin nettipoliisien PÄÄLLIKKÖ!" -Arto Lauri

Bloody Mary, Full of Vodka. Blessed Are You Among Cocktails.
Pray For Me Now, At The Hour of My Death - Which I Hope Is Soon.
Amen.

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« Vastaus #42 : Ke 25.03.2009 13:03:07 »
:nono:
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me…It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, ”I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed  straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
Ei.

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« Vastaus #43 : Ti 14.04.2009 14:19:10 »
A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road. So he decides to pull over. On approaching the door he sees a sign that says: NO NERDS.

He shrugs it off and enters. He's greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. "Are you a nerd?" the bartender asks. "No, I'm a truck driver," he replies. He's allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it.

While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glass. The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away. "What the hell did you do that for!?" asks the trucker. "Well," the bartender answers, "It's nerd season."

"Nerd season?" asks the trucker, confused. "Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so we've opened up nerd season." So, with that, the trucker finishes his coffee and goes back on the road.

A few miles down the highway the car in front of him suddenly swerves and wrecks. To avoid becoming part the disaster, he swerves to get out of way. The swerve's to hard. His trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road. He gets out of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they can. He doesn't know what to do. He's gotta stop this. Remembering what the bartender told him, he goes back to the truck and pulls out his gun and starts picking them off, one by one.

While doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his arms screaming, "STOP! STOP!"

"What?" the trucker asks, confused, "I thought it was nerd season?" "Well yeah," the officer answers, "but you can't bait 'em!"
Kaikki muu on paskaa, paitsi kusi !


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« Vastaus #44 : Ti 14.04.2009 14:23:13 »
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I
type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is..'
Operator: 'When you we re behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just
one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's
because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!'
Kaikki muu on paskaa, paitsi kusi !


Tosi huono karaokelaulaja

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Vs: Jokes
« Vastaus #45 : Ke 15.04.2009 16:49:43 »

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Vs: Jokes
« Vastaus #46 : La 30.05.2009 14:13:37 »
When you see a woman...
And want her badly..
Please consider the following...

No matter how beautiful she is.....

No matter how sexy she is...

No matter how seductive she is...

No matter how cute and sweet she is .

No matter how nice her beaver is...

No matter how huge her melons are...

Somewhere on this planet
a man is enjoying a beer
because he is tired of her shit...
Kaikki muu on paskaa, paitsi kusi !


Tosi huono karaokelaulaja

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Vs: Keräilläänpäs vitsejä
« Vastaus #47 : Su 12.07.2009 22:02:40 »
On a bus, two men with really strong accent start
a conversition. The lady next to them eavesdrops.

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two esses acoma
together. I come once-a-more. Two esses, they comma
together again. I come again and pee twice. Then
I come one lasta time."

"You dirty-mouth pigs! In this country we don't
talk about our dirty sex lives in public!"
the lady exclaims.

"Hey, whats sa-matter for you?" says the man "I'm
justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi"


mistä toi näitä juttuja repii :lach:
Kauniit naishenkilöt, ottakaa yhteyttä yksityisviestitse.

Hyvä suunnistaja ei eksy. Jos ei tiedä missä ollaan, mennään kotiin.

Njof njof :psp:

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« Vastaus #48 : Ma 13.07.2009 15:56:54 »
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

"Have you any grounds?" "Yes, an acre and half and nice little home."

"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It made of concrete."

"I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?" "No, we have a carport, and not need one."

"I mean, what are your relations like?" "All my relations still in Poland."

"Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player."

"Does your wife beat you up?" "No, I always up before her."

"Is your wife a nagger?" "No, she white."

"Why do you want this divorce?" "She is going to kill me."

"What makes you think that?" "I got proof."

"What kind of proof?" "She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says: Polish Remover".

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Vs: Keräilläänpäs vitsejä
« Vastaus #49 : Ma 13.07.2009 16:03:09 »
 :psylach:
"Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment." - Jim Horning
Älä koskaan väittele idiootin kanssa. Hän vetää sinut omalle tasolleen ja voittaa sinut kokemuksellaan.
"Trying is the first step toward failure." - Homer Simpson