Jokes

[nyyyps]

Did you hear about the Irish exorcism? The mother had to call the devil to get the priest out of her son.

[=Juku=]

those values of life in Ireland

[NaiNeN]

Did you hear about the Irish exorcism? The mother had to call the devil to get the priest out of her son.

[nyyyps]

The phone rings.
The lady of the house answers, "Yes? Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks.

"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimers disease (related to memory) and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questions Mrs. Ward. "Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

[nyyyps]

A local newspaper in England ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... But the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received.

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
this describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
but don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

[nyyyps]

Ja näitähän piisaa vaikka miten.

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed.
"'I am so ashamed, Doctor," she said. "I guess I let myself go."
The physician was checking her eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said,
"Of course.... Now just open your mouth and say moo."

[nyyyps]

If santa was honest:

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in the sewer plant. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa

*****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his butt constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.
Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the diareha and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.
Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time sleeping. I unwind by drinking myself silly and losing money at the craps table.
Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE,
PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

****************************************************
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop callling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your butt whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams, Santa

[nyyyps]

A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor. When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him." The guy says "Is your brother a doctor?" To which the doctor replies, "No, he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

[nyyyps]

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: " Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: " An Italian girl!!!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up at the airport and asks:
"So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for – an Italian girl !!"
"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl!!!"

[nyyyps]

A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

"Are you my doctor?", he asked.

"Yes, I am."

The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"

"Yes, I am," she said.

"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"

"Yes, I am," his father answered.

The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger and said, "Hurts, doesn't it?"