Jokes

[=Juku=]

[=Juku=]

Two Irish builders (Patrick and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub in Belfast when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the  bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker..
Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker!  A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at the urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Pat: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Pat: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example.... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Pat: - Err... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is  it?
Pat: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden.
Pat - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Pat: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've  built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Pat:- Yep! Five or six nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Pat: - Me?  Never.
Suit: - Well there you are!  That's logical science at work!
Pat: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive....thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.
Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Pat - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Eric: - What's that then?
Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Eric: -  Nope.
Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker.

[=Juku=]

[=Juku=]

A man  calls home to his wife and says,
"Honey, I have  been asked to fly to Cairns with my  boss and several of his friends for fishing.  We'll be gone for a long weekend.
This is  a good opportunity for me to get that promotion  I've been wanting so could you  please pack enough clothes for a 3-day  weekend".
And also would you get out my  rod and tackle box from the shed ? 
We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office  and I will  swing by the house to pick my things up. 
'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue  silk pajamas.'

The wife thinks this  sounds a bit odd, but, being the
good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. 

Following the long weekend he came home  a little tired, but,  otherwise, looking good.
The wife welcomes him  home and asks  if he caught many fish?

He says,  "Yes!  Lots of Coral Trout, some Barra, and  a few Sweetlip. But why didn't  you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked  you to do?"
 
The  wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle  box".

Never,  Never, Never try to  outsmart a woman!

[=Juku=]

[Donkey]

Behind every woman is a great ass.

[Jarre]

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

[jta]

 

[=Juku=]

The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.
She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

[=Juku=]

An Alberta farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy about 9, opened the door.
- Is your Dad home?
- No sir, he isn't; he went to town.
- Well, is your Mother here?
- No sir, she went to town with Dad.
- How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?
- No sir, he went with Mom and Dad.

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
- Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message.
- Well, said the rancher uncomfortably, I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant.

The boy thought for a moment.
- You should have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard.