Jokes

[Dimmu Burger]

Ladies, wanna here joke about my cock?
Nevermind, it's too long for you...

And the politically correct answer is


Wanna hear a joke about my vagina?
-Nevermind, you won't get it.

[The One]

It's too bad Arnold Schwarzenegger had this little misunderstanding because English isn't his native language.

He told Maria that the babysitter wanted a raise.

Maria said, "Screw her."

Any simple-minded semi-literate Austrian could have made the same mistake, right?

[Ressukka]

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The salesman there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Voodoo Penis!"

The husband said "The what?" The man repeated "The Voodoo Penis" and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed, and said, "It looks like a dildo!" The salesman then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, door!"

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the salesman said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" and the penis stopped and returned to the box. The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife.

After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." The voodoo penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she was exhausted and decided she'd had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, the woman said "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me."

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, "Yeah right ...Voodoo Penis, my arse...!"

[Josse]

 

[Donkey]

9/11 jokes aren't funny. They're just plane wrong.

[NaiNeN]

Voodoo Penis 

[Josse]

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs."Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"She replies, "Yes, getting herpes – that's why I am here!"

[Jarre]

 

[NaiNeN]

 

[Jarre]

Husband buys his son an iPAD, daughter an iPOD, himself an iPHONE & his wife an iRON. She wasn't impressed even after he explained it can be integrated with the iWASH, iCOOK & iCLEAN network. This triggered the iNAG service, which totally wiped out the iSHAG function!! - (iSHARE)