Jokes

[Josse]

Husband buys his son an iPAD, daughter an iPOD, himself an iPHONE & his wife an iRON. She wasn't impressed even after he explained it can be integrated with the iWASH, iCOOK & iCLEAN network. This triggered the iNAG service, which totally wiped out the iSHAG function!! - (iSHARE)

Our leader and guide in our journey through the fiery pits of the internets,  Peter 

[Baz]

Google CEO: "I need a new phone. Could someone buy me a Motorola?"

Secretary: "We'll get right on it."

A few hours pass...
......
Secretary: "Okay, done."

Google CEO: "Great! Which model?"

Secretary: "Model?"

[The Änes]

[Donkey]

This one is oldie, but still makes me laugh....

[Bobo]

 

[Ressukka]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met at the Pearly gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I am granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want. The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and *poof*, she's gone. The second nun says, "I want to be Madonna" and *poof*, she's gone. The third nun says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini." St.Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.

"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry but that name doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says...."No Sister, this headline says 'Sahara Pipeline, laid by 1,900 men in 6 months.'"

[ukko]

TEACHER: Jennifer, go to the map and find North America.
Jennifer: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Jennifer.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

[=Juku=]

A Police STOP at 2 AM



An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

[Josse]

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind — either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!???"

[Jarre]

The Barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve time-travellers here!"

A Time-traveller walks into a bar.